{"id":19051,"date":"2011-10-28T21:50:23","date_gmt":"2011-10-29T01:50:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/?p=19051"},"modified":"2011-11-02T23:36:56","modified_gmt":"2011-11-03T03:36:56","slug":"funny-funeral-stories","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/2011\/10\/28\/funny-funeral-stories\/","title":{"rendered":"Funeral Humor"},"content":{"rendered":"


\n<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

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Aunt Aileen, 1921-2011<\/p><\/div>\n

<\/strong>Today we laid my dear Aunt Aileen\u00c2\u00a0<\/a> to rest.\u00c2\u00a0 Her passing was peaceful and welcome–she was more than ready to relocate to heaven.<\/p>\n

A few weeks ago, looking back on almost 90 years of life, this four-times married (thrice widowed) delight told me, “I moved from my mother’s house in Danville to Mike’s house in South Bend, to Jim’s house back in Danville to Cliff’s house Sarasota, to Leo’s condo in Bradenton.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 I moved to assisted living in DeLand then moved to this nursing home. I’M TIRED OF MOVING. My next and last move will be to the House of the Lord—AND I HOPE IT’S SOON!”<\/p>\n

She had a habit of talking in CAPS.<\/p>\n

It brought to mind another CAPS-talk event many years ago.\u00c2\u00a0 Her house in Sarasota had caught fire and immediately thereafter,\u00c2\u00a0 the Red Cross had put her up in a motel. I arrived four hours later to an unspeakably rundown 1950’s era “motor court.”\u00c2\u00a0 It was the only place that would accept her beloved white miniature poodle, Max.\u00c2\u00a0 She told the Red Cross helpers that she would sleep on the street before she would leave her dog. And she meant it.<\/p>\n

So my spunky (but marginally prissy) Aunt Aileen was to be\u00c2\u00a0 housed with down-on-their-luck folks who were less like guests and more like residents, paying rent by the day or week.<\/p>\n

When I arrived on this scene, I immediately picked up the phone which was a dirty, peach rotary dial base with a green cord and turquoise receiver and tried to find another place.\u00c2\u00a0 With all the persuasive powers I could muster, I succeeded in convincing the manager of a nice hotel near the beach to make an exception.\u00c2\u00a0 He agreed to accept both Aunt Aileen and\u00c2\u00a0 Max for the coming three months while her home was repaired.<\/p>\n

As we walked toward the office to give notice that she would not be staying,\u00c2\u00a0 Aunt Aileen led Max on his rhinestone leash.\u00c2\u00a0 We approached a battered Coke machine loaded with generic soft drinks.\u00c2\u00a0 It was surrounded by surly men who were blocking our way, staking claim to their turf.\u00c2\u00a0 Most were barefoot and those wearing shirts had cigarette packs rolled into the sleeve.\u00c2\u00a0 They smirked at one another as we drew nearer.<\/p>\n

My perfectly turned out Aunt Aileen, with her flawless makeup,\u00c2\u00a0 lipstick -red fingernails and a tastefully tropical outfit,\u00c2\u00a0 politely said “Excuse me.”<\/p>\n

They didn’t move.\u00c2\u00a0 Again with more emphasis, she said, “Excuse me!”\u00c2\u00a0 Still they didn’t move.<\/p>\n

With that, she snatched up Max and tucked him under her left elbow.\u00c2\u00a0 With her right arm, she shoved the closest ne’er do-well out of her path and instructed the group, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!”\u00c2\u00a0 And we marched past them.<\/p>\n

I knew this 75 year-old\u00c2\u00a0 cupcake wouldn’t have lasted long in that place.\u00c2\u00a0 That was Aunt Aileen.<\/p>\n

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” ~Sir Winston Churchill<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Her funeral today was comforting but uneventful.\u00c2\u00a0 I was reminded of other funerals I have attended where there was a good bit of laughter and even some hilarity.<\/p>\n

Needing a smile, I’d like to recall two of them here with you.<\/p>\n

After enjoying these celebrations of life and rebirth into the kingdom of God, I would have to disagree with the grim statement by W. Somerset Maugha<\/em>m<\/strong> who said, <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

“Death is a dull, dreary affair and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it.”<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

******************** Vera’s funeral
\n<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die anymore than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” ~George Bernard Shaw<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Her funeral was only moderately somber.\u00c2\u00a0 Because she was the mother-in-law of Jean, all of the the PlayGroup Mamas<\/a> were in attendance.\u00c2\u00a0 Vera had been an active member of her church for more than 65 years. Yet, for unbeknownst reasons, her son chose to have the service officiated by the chaplain at the university where he was a professor.<\/p>\n

The chaplain began his remarks with the announcement that he had never met Vera, though through conversation with her son, he knew her to be a devote, active, caring woman.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 The size and make up of the gathering was further evidence of her character.\u00c2\u00a0 The church pews were lined with very polished and respectable looking mourners.<\/p>\n

Vera’s final farewell was unlike a funeral he had done earlier in the day for another woman whom he had never met.\u00c2\u00a0 All those family mourners sported black tee shirts printed with the woman’s picture,\u00c2\u00a0 a Harley-Davidson logo and the words, “Ride on!”<\/p>\n

Then he urged us all to recall stories of Vera’s life.\u00c2\u00a0 In an effort to prime the pump, he said that at the earlier funeral, the dearly departed woman’s son had risen to share his fondest memory of Mom.\u00c2\u00a0 “Yep,” he said, “she sure loved floating in that chair in the pool.\u00c2\u00a0 She could splash around and never put out her cigarette or spill a drop of her beer. ”<\/p>\n

No one had a story that could top that, so we all were just quiet as this stranger detailed Vera’s unwavering faith, meaningful accomplishments, volunteer efforts and love of family.<\/p>\n

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.<\/strong><\/em> ~ Garrison Keillor <\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

***************** Pauline’s funeral<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Pauline’s funeral was the best I’ve ever attended.\u00c2\u00a0 Of course, all seven PlayGroup Mamas were there to support PGM Janet at her mother’s memorial service.\u00c2\u00a0 Several in our group, including school teachers, a college librarian, and an assistant director for an international airport had gone to great lengths to get the day off.<\/p>\n

We loaded into Gina’s van and drive almost 60 miles to the funeral.\u00c2\u00a0 We did it willingly but no one expected this would be one of our most enjoyable and\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 memorable field trips.<\/p>\n

Halfway through the service as virtually every mourner was laughing out loud, PGM Abby nudged me and said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m having a heck of a good time!”<\/p>\n

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.”\u00c2\u00a0 Ashley Montagu<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Pauline could have written this quote.\u00c2\u00a0 She had a lust for life, savoring and squeezing out maximum entertainment and meaning from every experience.\u00c2\u00a0 This left her family with a wealth of stories to share at the memorial service.<\/p>\n

Her granddaughter made a profound summary of Pauline’s personality when she said, “Every day, she took ordinary<\/em> and made it extraordinary<\/em>.”\u00c2\u00a0 I’ve\u00c2\u00a0 embraced that comment\u00c2\u00a0 and hope to emulate Vera in that respect.<\/p>\n

When Jessica, who lived 1000 miles away,\u00c2\u00a0 phoned her grandmother she was never greeted with the ordinary hello, but rather an extra-ordinary squeal, “JessieBelle?\u00c2\u00a0 Is it really you?\u00c2\u00a0 Oh, I’m so thrilled!”\u00c2\u00a0 And she meant it, every time.<\/p>\n

One story was told of the Girls’ Beach Weekend shared by the 5 ladies in the family– grandmother Pauline, daughters Janet and Jane, and granddaughters Jessica and Erica. They had flown in from around the country to join Florida residents Pauline and her daughter Janet.\u00c2\u00a0 The Fab Five waltzed into the lobby a 5 star ocean front hotel where Vera saw a sign, “Smith Wedding 5:00 Oceanfront.”<\/p>\n

Pauline was exhilarated. “I LOVE a wedding!\u00c2\u00a0 Let’s go!!!!!”\u00c2\u00a0 Janet admonished, “We can’t go, Mother!\u00c2\u00a0 We weren’t invited!\u00c2\u00a0 We don’t even know these people!” as she gently reminded her mother that they were not invited to the wedding.\u00c2\u00a0 “Phooey!\u00c2\u00a0 Everyone knows a bride and groom.\u00c2\u00a0 We’re at the beach!” Vera persisted.\u00c2\u00a0 “We’ll be at this wedding. We’ll just do it upstairs.”<\/p>\n

Pauline hurried them up to their suite of rooms with the ocean front balcony.\u00c2\u00a0 She quickly organized refreshments and ordered everyone to get dressed for the wedding.\u00c2\u00a0 Getting into the spirit, they all donned their best clothes, seated themselves on the 8th floor balcony.\u00c2\u00a0 One of the granddaughter’s quickly downloaded the Wedding March and a few other pieces of nuptial appropriate music which played as they enjoyed the wedding that unfolded below.\u00c2\u00a0 Nothing could be heard and little could be seen other than a woman in white and the rest of the wedding party.<\/p>\n

“Ah,” Pauline announced.\u00c2\u00a0 “It was a beautiful ceremony.\u00c2\u00a0 And wasn’t the bride beautiful!”\u00c2\u00a0 They laughed and enjoyed the rest of their weekend together.<\/p>\n

As they were driving back to Janet’s\u00c2\u00a0 home, Pauline smiled and sighed, mostly to herself, “I hope they live happily ever after.”\u00c2\u00a0 ******************<\/p>\n

I don’t know about the newly wed Smiths, but I know in my heart at the very least Vera, Pauline and my beloved Aunt Aileen are living happily ever after and forevermore.<\/p>\n

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” Yogi Berra<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

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Today we laid my dear Aunt Aileen\u00c2\u00a0 to rest.\u00c2\u00a0 Her passing was peaceful and welcome–she was more than ready to relocate to heaven. A few weeks ago, looking back on almost 90 years of life, this four-times married (thrice widowed) … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":19178,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19051"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19051"}],"version-history":[{"count":43,"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19051\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19179,"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19051\/revisions\/19179"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19178"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19051"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19051"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.janicefergusonsews.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19051"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}