Church News

This post has nothing to do with “modern projects for old fashioned Nanas” or even sewing, for that matter, but I just couldn’t help sharing this with you.  A friend just sent me these actual bloopers that appeared in church bulletins or were announced from the pulpit.  I’m still chuckling after reading them.

It took me back many years ago when an equally entertaining (to many, but not all) story about our church’s Maundy Thursday service.

Glenwood Presbuyterian Church.  Please disregard the characters in the front. They were there to promote the Vacation Bible School theme.

Our new, young pastor had a beautiful wife, Nancy, who was studying liturgical dance and wanted to share the spirituality of it with her new parishioners. Her husband was a little concerned about the reaction of his very traditional congregation to this innovative form of worship.

He decided it would be best introduced at the upcoming Maundy Thursday service, which had not been held in this church for many years.  So that evening, in a black leotard and flowing black skirt, the willowy ballerina performed a very moving sacred dance to the music of The Lord’s Prayer.  It was well received by her husband’s new flock.

A few weeks prior to this, I had given over my weekly newspaper column,  “Glenwood News,” to a sweet, naive high school girl with an eye on a journalism career.  Maundy Thursday she was tending the little ones in the nursery and knew only that Nancy would be dancing.

Her column a few days later caused quite a stir in the community. After listing the title of the pastor’s sermon, she included this in her description of the service.  “The minister’s wife did a song and dance act. Everyone loved it.”

Today, she is a happy, successful young lady.  But she is not a journalist. ~~~~~~~~

CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS ……

They’re Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for Church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in Church Bulletins or were announced in Church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes all meals.

The sermon this morning:  ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight:  ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall.  Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be:  ‘What is Hell?’  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7:00 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and prepare to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it, if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 PM.  Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ in the Church basement on Friday at 7:00 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the Church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

7 responses to “Church News

  1. I laughed and laughed! Thanks for a happy start to my morning!!

  2. Adam and I laughed and laughed at this! The funny thing was that I had to explain to him some of them….. the whole marriage ending a friendship…. I just had to give up explaining to him!!

  3. The Church News was absolutely hilarious!!! Made my day! Now for some info….thesmocked bishop on your heading is GORGEOUS!! Where can I purchase that smocking plate? I so enjoy your blog and all the fantastic goodies you create. Thanks for sharing your talent!

  4. Terri, I’m glad you and Adam had a good laugh together. It’s sweet that you had to explain about marriage ending a friendship. That sweet, lucky boy lives in a happy home.

  5. Cindy, the plate is Buds and Berries by Mollie Jane Taylor. If you search my blog for Alysha’s birthday dress, you can see more views of the smocking. I found it for sale on-line at Peanut Butter and Jelly Kids. Just click here. It’s quick and easy to vary the number of rows. Happy smocking!

  6. Janice
    Happy New Year. We missed you at sewingat the beach this year. Next year is the 20th year and we would like to see if you want to come. Sort of homecoming. Trying to get Mimi and Eloise to come also. As to the heart., If I remember correctly we did the white pillowcase one year at satb. Of course, I put the whole design somewhere special. Is there somewhere i can buy this design and the other fil’t designs. (can’t spell).

    Thanks

  7. Hey, Linda! It might be possible for me to get away for SATB 2013. You know I LOVE being there–it is one of my all-time favorite places to teach because everything is just sooooo fabulous! If Mildred and Eloise were there—well, that would be so hard to pass up! Thanks for asking. I’ll e-mail my thoughts to you along with the heart design. I hope all is well with you and Caitlin.

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